IT HUMANIZES ME

I’m not feeling particularly inspired today. I’m not inspired for quite some time, too long if I counted in days. I don’t even want to write anything on this blog. I’ve been abandoning them for months; it takes months to write one post. Writing is what keeping me sane, it helps me through understands me; discover what’s hidden in my darkest thought, but I’m not doing it anymore, not until today. I don’t take pictures anymore, not much. It’s a sign, for sure, a sign that I am losing my passion to capture beauties and moments, meaning I am now an ignorant person, I don't object to the fact that  life and it contents passes me by easily. I don’t manage my web store anymore; the only project that channeling my inspiration, the feeling of creativity explosion during the process of making, I don’t have it anymore. I don't bother by the warning that came to my mailbox saying that the website is now in 36 days left warning before the deletion, I am fully aware, but I don’t care. I hate myself for that, but still, hating doesn’t make me care.

I found out today, that I have two things block me away from my insanity and for me insanity is good, it’s what I need, it’s the thing that makes me realize that I am living right now at this very moment. Insanity, that is what I don’t have. It’s just normal, and that’s not enough. 

One real case of my hiatus is resistance, my own laziness off course including outside distractions, or some other negative force keeping me making a difference, not to please other, just to please myself. I vividly understand that I am being too hard on myself. I rarely pleased with my work. It always feels incomplete, unfinished. Never quite good enough. I am constantly disappointed. This makes me, most likely feeling frustrated, all the time. 

Second case is, I recognize the difference between blocked and empty. The worst part is knowing, I don’t feel blocked, I feel empty. I am feeling uninspired, I may, in fact, be spiritually and emotionally empty. I like complicated mind, I realize that not everyone feels this way, but again, not everyone is like me.

I started to talk to myself a lot, I started to have dreams, bad dreams, and feeling exhausted when I woke up in the morning. I have no energy, not physically, mentally no energy or spirit to keep me awake and enjoy my blessing. I am confuse, I am completely clueless.

So, here I am, mind utterly blank, staring forlornly at a completely blank sheet, waiting for something to wake me up from my empty mind. So here I am, thinking that I make myself a hero in the worst kind of way. Avoiding the parts that make me sound amazing. Instead,  I focus on the broken, ugly parts of my story. The hell, It humanizes me.